I'm not a bitch, I'm human!

So...

Sometimes you pretend so much that you actually believe it yourself. I have been pretending for so long that 'I'm okay, I'm fine' when in fact I'm not. I have been struggling for months, struggling because I was hurt last year by someone and I have been pretending that I could ignore it, that I was fine, that if I push myself and put my all into work and into making myself the 'new me' that I wasn't hurt, that it didn't matter, that that person never meant anything. But it is time I admit that I was hurt, that I haven't properly let myself overcome it because I have been pretending for so long that it didn't affect me, when it actually did!

I've been trying to be a better person but in fact I have been the worst version of myself, the way I have treated people, the way I have pushed people away, the way I have tried to keep people at arms length because I couldn't deal with that kind of hurt again. That hurt when you put your all into someone, you let your walls down, they know who you are and still want to talk to you, that person you thought maybe cared about you the way you cared about them. I suppose that old saying 'time heals all wounds' is true but first you need to let it out, you need to let yourself 'grieve' or get over it as such. You need to admit to yourself that you do care, that it did matter and it did hurt but not everyone is like that, not everyone will hurt you or treat you as bad as that one person treated you.

So I have been pretending all year that I don't care about anything, that nothing matters because I didn't want to let anyone get inside my heart, I didn't want to care about anything or anyone. Now I feel it is time to let it go, to let it all go and go back to being myself, completely myself.

In fact I do care because if I didn't I wouldn't be feeling so shitty, so rubbish I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, so shitty that I can't look people in the eye let alone have a full blown conversation with them. I don't want to feel miserable anymore, the only person that is making me feel this way right now is me because I have shut everyone out that ever tried to be a friend, anyone that cared for me.

I know I need to clean up my act, I need to be true to myself, I need to say it is okay to let people in, I need to let go of the bad people that hurt me, that made me feel rubbish about myself. They do not validate me, they do not get to say I am not good enough, they do not get to put me down anymore, they don't get to say I am not pretty enough or smart enough. I will finally close the door and walk away completely by letting them leave my head.

You have to tell yourself that they are the one who had the issues to treat you the way they did, that no matter what you can achieve anything. You need to keep positive people around you not people that put you down every chance they get. Let the poison go out your life, let it go..