What Having Anxiety Means..

So, mental health has always been a taboo subject, something people stay clear from. I know growing up it was more of a taboo than ever; having a mental illness meant judgements, someone labelling you and people most likely avoiding you because they didn't want to have to deal with the fallout, the "drama" the realness of it all. And believe me it's very much real.

 

I'm not saying I'm an expert, I'm not a doctor with a PHD but I don't need to be. I have had my personal experiences with more than just one mental illness but I'm not going to go into all of that.. What I do want to talk about is anxiety. Not just feeling anxious or claiming "omg I'm gonna have an anxiety attack" because something terribly dramatic just happened, I am talking about an anxiety disorder, I'm talking about anxiety as a mental illness.

 

I am not afraid to admit I suffer from anxiety and I have done for as long as I can remember. At first I remember denying it and ignoring it, but as I began to come to terms with it and accept it I then started to learn how to manage it and what the triggers are that make it worse. Of course this does not define me, it never did but it is unfortunately a part of me and something I have to deal with and manage on a day to day basis. This is who I am, this is the real me in reality - dealing with anxiety is a big part of my day to day life and believe me when I say I can't just go out on a normal day and do the everyday things. I have all these worries, these stresses, these negative thoughts that overpower me at times.


I can't just go out and meet new people like it's no big deal because as someone who deals with anxiety to me it is a BIG deal. I have to mentally prepare for it, I have to plan every single detail from how I walk into a room to what I say to each and every person to how my body language will be to what I will wear. Like I said it is a big deal. Then I will basically live every single moment in my head and of course each and every time it turns into some horrifying scene which results in me feeling embarrassed and wanting to never go out again. I also have that fear that I might have a panic attack, that it might become that little bit too much and I might combust. And this my friends is before I've even responded yes to something, I haven't even agreed to go out and all of that happened inside my head. So yes again it's a big deal, and before I know it I've talked myself out of it all within 30 seconds. Then I'm back to square one, sitting in my room alone stressing over the little things and avoiding contact with another human being.

 

So, let's talk about when I do go out, how I feel... Well I can't just walk around like everyone else, I observe, I absorb everybody around me and worry they are staring at me, watching me, I begin to freak out so then I will escape to the nearest toilet and hide there for a good while. It just feels like a living nightmare at times when I do have to go out, I just feel like I can't breathe and I just want to be back at home. I never feel at ease or comfortable in a public place and the more I stay in the house the less I want to go out at all because I have these overpowering thoughts and feelings. So at times I really can't win! My brain over analyses everything that happens in a day. If someone talks to me then I will analyse that over and over until my brain may combust. Oh and if anyway looks at me oddly I will analyse that for weeks on end wondering what it may have meant. You see, the normal things people don't think about.. I THINK ABOUT THEM!

You see it is all a big deal.. and what stresses me out more is when people are ignorant towards anxiety, when they just assume you're being dramatic and that's it's so easy to stop feeling anxious and get rid of anxiety like its a god damn cold. There is no cure to anxiety, you can't just take some ibuprofen and it will go away. Yes you can take medication to help ease it, to help it become manageable but it will never really go away and I think that is something people forget to acknowledge.


Saying "just do it" or things like "it will be fine" does not make it fine. Everyone's brain deals with things differently and to some people certain things aren't a big deal, like maybe going to the local gym full of people (which is my worst nightmare btw) I have never and will never step into a public gym. I couldn't deal with how it would make me feel, how can I workout with so many people around me? So many people that may be looking at me? Judging me? Ok I can't even think about it. I'm very much content with working out at home so I can sweat in peace. Another thing is when people just assume you can go out and meet new people like it's nothing. Yes I have mentioned this already but this is a big issue to me right now! I can't do that..... I can't just go out and meet new people.. like how does this even happen? I mean I don't mind going to things alone because well I'm used to it but when it's going out especially to "meet new people" it puts fear in me, it makes me want to throw up. I'm no good in those kind of environments, I literally just hide in the corner if I'm around a large group of people, I just can't do it! I mean I can hold a conversation once I get going, once I feel comfortable with you and I have known you for a while I start to feel a little okay around you, but I don't think I will ever feel 100% with you especially if things get a little bit deep, I will freak out.. massively and may not even speak to you again, but please don't think I am just a horrible person - I just can't deal with attachment, I can't deal with all these thoughts and fears inside my little head.. it just becomes too much for me!

 

So, yes anxiety is very much real and it can be scary and draining. But I want you to know if you ever feel the way I do you need to speak up, you need to accept it. No you don't necessary need to go to therapy and lie down on one of those big leather couches but what you do need to do is learn how to manage it on a day to day basis, what eases the anxiety? What makes it worse? You need to figure out the triggers and the things that help take the stress away. Once you figure them out you will learn to manage it and things will become a little bit easier.

 

 

Right now I am not feeling my best, I am feeling the pressure, the anxiety inside of me is building up so much I may burst but I know I get like this every single January.. I know it will pass and I will be like SCREW YOU ANXIETY! I just need to get over this hiccup right now, I know what I need to do, I have to push myself, I have to stop isolating myself because that is when my anxiety is at its worst, that is when I am at my darkest. I need to push myself to do great things, to go to great places, I have to push myself to take myself out my comfort zone even if I want to cry. Once I start going out more I know it will ease, I know I will start to feel that little bit okay.

You see it is okay to have a hiccup, it is okay to struggle with it because unfortunately we can't be slayin' this whole anxiety thing every single day a year - we have to be kind to ourselves, we have to get through the rough times, the times we believe it may be taking over, we have to do things that help ease it even if it may seem silly to other people. Then once we start feeling that little bit better that is when we can kick anxiety in the balls!

Don't sit in January Blues...

Boo-hoo wahhhhh Christmas is officially over, but don't you dare sit there in those January blues!

 

So, the Christmas fun is officially over. It almost feels that now that the year is over we can start again, we can begin a new year as a different person. If only that was so easy huh?

 

It's almost as if I hope to feel different each time another year comes to an end and another begins, but I actually feel physically sick because I'm another year older and it's another year where the pressure intensifies. I'm learning to control my thoughts before my brain becomes so overwhelmed it may combust, I have to give myself a good talking to. I have to tell myself I'm human, I can only do so much. You have to let yourself stop for breath, but unfortunately we suddenly start thinking how our lives should be set up. We start thinking and imagining why aren't our lives sorted and perfect right this minute? Why has Cindy that girl on instagram got everything, that fancy car, that perfect relationship, why has she got that amazing career? Why is she at yet another event? Look at her followers, look how flawless she looks in every photo she posts and omg would you just look at her never ending wardrobe and wait what I'm still sitting here in my Pjs picking wotsits out my hair watching Prison Break on loop.

 

Let me just stop you there, you are doing fine right this very minute. Your heart is beating, we all have our own journeys, our own desires, our own needs.. our own dreams! Not one person will ever want the EXACT same as the other. Give yourself a break. Yes, yes I know you are reading this thinking I have read this somewhere before blah blah blah *rolls eyes* but believe me it is true. You are you and only you can be you so sweetie give yourself a break.

Breathe for a minute...

Yes beginning a new year is scary, it's indeed overwhelming and our brains can only absorb so much before it feels like it's about to combust!

This time of year is unbelievably the worst for me especially as someone who deals with anxiety and stress. If I'm honest I'm craving a sunny day that will help me wish it all away. I've decided to take a new approach and I want to help anyone out there beat those January blues. Of course it's more than that if you're like me, someone who suffers with anxiety. But there are techniques and tips out there that can ease the pressure even just a little bit. Here's my top tips to help you keep the pressure off and the best thing is you won't even need a debit or credit card ;)

 

                                           Write lists

Whether it's a to do list on a day to day basis, a shopping list, a bucket list or even a list of compliments to yourself - get it down on paper, on your phone, on post it notes - any way that helps YOU! I feel lists really help clear my thoughts, it helps me organise everything in my head so I can think clearly again. Every morning (after you have had a cuppa or that 5th cup of coffee) why not write a list of everything you need to do that day, even the simplest of things like walk the dog and phone Amy. It will help ease the pressure inside your head, writing it down helps a great amount.. trust me!
 

 

                                            Exercise

I believe in exercising at least 3-4 days a week. Of course busy schedules and everyday lives can get in the way of this. But exercise doesn't have to be intense or straining, you can add it to your daily routine really easily. Maybe start a stretching routine when you wake up, walk a bit further than you normally would. Get up 10-15 minutes earlier every other day and do some squats or even jog on the spot. Whether you exercise for 10 minutes or 1 hour. It all counts until you can build it up to workout for longer, it could be as simple as walking or yoga. You have to find what is best for you and not everyone can afford to go to the gym or buy a treadmill. *Shaun T voice* Use your own body as the equipment then you don't even have to spend a penny! YouTube can also be your best friend - I recommend using XHIT - a channel full of FREE exercises and workouts. It is free and it has workouts from just 5 minutes to as long as you need. Create your own workout by creating your own playlist on your own channel. You get to take control! Exercise really helps me when I'm feeling stressed, any negative energy that's built up throughout the day just fades away. I tend to exercise in the late afternoon - evening as I hate early mornings and it takes me hours to wake up. Do things your way, find what works best for you. Don't set impossible unrealistic goals. If you have to drink 5 coffees before you even start to feel human every morning then working out in the morning isn't for you. Remember you have control, do things YOUR way!

Do simple things you enjoy

You need to do things on a day to day basis that put a smile on your face - whether it's dancing around your bedroom for 10 minutes to your favourite song before you head out to work or watching your favourite programme on loop before bedtime. I am guilty of doing this every single night, but you know what it makes me feel happy in that moment so it's okay! Maybe you enjoy watching funny videos on Facebook on a long journey home. If it makes you feel safe, content and puts a smile on your face it's working. And also you must remember that you can't always rely on others to make you smile, you need to be able to make yourself smile!

Talk to people

Whatever you do, do not isolate yourself away from the world. This is one of the worst things you can do as you end up feeling completely alone and this is when negative thoughts build up in your head. Talk to people even if it's just Bob in the street on the dog walk for just a teeny tiny 5 minutes, make that phone call to someone, send a text or comment on that Facebook status. It's not always easy to find someone to talk to but if you communicate with at least one person a day it will help your sanity. It is so easy these days to actually talk to someone, sometimes we forget that. Look at all the social media and apps you can download. It doesn't even have to cost you a penny. Sometimes all you need is a wifi connection, if you do not have internet at home - maybe you can go to a local café and use their FREE wifi just to drop a message on Facebook to someone, or maybe you want to even type up an email.. but remember to actually send it!

Call the Cops.. I'm Single!

So.. I'm at a point in my life where most people I know from school are married or have kids.. Not even getting married.. They ARE married! it baffles me if I'm honest because I'm struggling to even look after myself.

I wake up every morning and I can't even figure out how I'm going to get through the day.. I don't even know what I want for lunch? So, I go for the same food options every week. I'm in a food routine.. as sad as it is. I'm not exciting when it comes to food or maybe when it comes to anything lately.. and I know people always have that sad look with a head tilt when you admit you're single like you're not allowed to be? Don't get me wrong it must be nice to have some man or even woman or whatever be head over heels in love with you and treating you like a queen.. But to be honest I was never one for commitment. I struggle to commit to a time when meeting people. I'm always late! What makes you think I can commit to someone else?

Also there is the fact that just because you are in a relationship that your life will be good, that isn't always the case is it? You can be so infatuated with someone you don't see the person they really are, you see what you want to see.. they say love is blind after all right? I just think that everyone has the right to live their life the way they wish to live it.. if they don't want to be in a relationship then why the hell should they be just because of the pressure? It works both ways of course.. if someone is happy in a relationship then that is fine. If someone wants to just date but not want to commit.. that's fine too! Just do you.. do what your heart wants.. just live the life you want to live. Do not let other people push you into being in any kind of relationship, because you are the one that has to be in that relationship. Relationships aren't just for Christmas.. or something like that..

I'm perfectly okay doing what I do. I may be stuck in a rut but I know that it's what I'm used to and I can feel a change coming. Not a change in my relationship status.. Sorry to break it to you Facebook.. ( Facebook knows it will be the first one to know) but just a change in the way my day to day life runs. I'm not sure what I want right now and I've realised that's okay. I am of course trying to push myself out my comfort zone.. doing things I would not normally do and it is terrifying I must admit.. but it is all about baby steps. At least I am pushing myself day by day.. I will eventually feel comfortable in a crowded place with 100s of people staring at me.. maybe not.. but I can pretend?

I have a new idea every week of how to make money but then that idea passes... I guess I'm still figuring a lot out right now. I'm still trying to lose weight, it seems that will never end. I'm trying this whole new Insanity challenge.. And to be honest my butt hurts so much I can't sit down.. I've completed nearly 3 weeks, it seems to be getting harder rather than easier or maybe the novelty is wearing off. I'm still pushing myself, I'm determined to complete 60 days because if I'm honest I never finish anything. I have this thing where I don't want things to end so I just don't finish them. Although I tried Pilates again the other day and I got so bored I went straight back to Insanity.. I wanted to feel the burn, I wanted to sweat, I wanted to scream "I HATE YOU SHAUN T" as he made me do each movement and then REPEAT them! And I guess it helped me let all my rage and anger out. So okay Insanity you are helping me in more ways than one.. I will get ripped and this is a new outlet for me.. for that Shaun T I thank you. I will struggle to get to 30 days, but I am nearly at 15 so I know I can get to 30. Once I am half way there I know I can complete the whole programme. I will let you know how it goes, I may even do a post on Insanity.. we'll see(That's if I am still alive).

So I guess I need to create some excitement in my life, googling for inspiration is not cutting it.. And just because you watch exciting Snapchat stories it doesn't mean you're apart of that story.. Sometimes you get so lost in it you think you're there.. At the party.. At the festival and then it's like hang on a minute...

I think I am going to start looking for new opportunities, I am going to increase my hobbies.. not that I had any in the first place (aless you count Netflix as a hobby?) I am going to step outside my comfort zone by doing things that make me want to cry.. that must sound insane, but I'm telling you it is for the greater good. Trust me. If you never do things that scare you, things that make you shake with fear and make you want to cry then how will your life change? Okay maybe that is abit OTT (laugh out loud) but I guess what I am trying to say is I am going to try new things that scare me a little, that make me nervous, that make me feel awkward and want to run home or my favourite place.. the toilets.. Whenever I get nervous/scared/panic I run to the toilets.. not to be sick but to breathe. I sound like a crazy woman who had missed her morning medication. But heyho we are all a little crazy.. lets embrace it.

So my life needs shaking up.. I'll get back to you and let you know how it goes!

Not for the faint hearted...

So I've been wanting to write this in a blog for a while.. but how to write it without sounding like you want sympathy or sounding like you are wanting or craving some kind of attention..

I think I've actually wrote this somewhere in previous blogs how I've been struggling and not feeling myself etc and I guess I just want to expand on that..

So I guess everyone can relate to this.. I guess I'm writing this to say to anyone who has been feeling the way I've been feeling that you are not alone.

I think that I started to feel rubbish within myself last year, I just felt like all the walls were caving in and I couldn't breathe. Friendships had come to an end, I couldn't even figure out why I was feeling this way let alone explaining it to another person so I guess I started cutting people out, avoiding social situations.. Everything was a struggle.

I didn't even want to get out of bed yet I didn't want to stay in bed alone with my thoughts.. I was trapped. I just felt completely alone and even when I spoke to people I would just get frustrated because maybe they would talk about things I just didn't seem to care about or maybe I just didn't even have the energy to continue talking. I have always loved to laugh.. that's the thing that's heartbreaking. I used to get sent out of class at school for laughing like a hyena and I seemed to be known as that kind of person. I remember laughing so hard I couldn't physically breathe.. but that had somehow disappeared I was a shadow of my former self.. I went days without even baring a smile.. This was not the real me.

Even writing this I'm filling up.. so it had gotten so bad that I started eating more junk food than usual and I would make excuses not to workout that day. I still managed to workout at least 2-3 days a week somehow and before I would work out 5 days at least like a crazy woman. I started binging on food.. It's a miracle I haven't gained weight. I think maybe a few pounds if anything. I would even stop wearing as much makeup, I couldn't be bothered with my hair so it would be miracle if I washed it. I was spending so much money on clothes online to try and "cheer myself up". I got myself back into a rut of being stuck in the house with no one to talk to. If anyone did contact me I'd just stress so much at what to reply. I would constantly break down in tears for no reason, I no longer enjoyed anything, everything became frustrating and I just hated it. Things I used to enjoy.. I now avoided.. I just hated everything!

That's when the dark thoughts really started to kick in.. What if I wasn't here anymore? What is the point of anything.. we are going to die anyway.. What would happen if I just ended it all.. I just don't want to be here anymore. When things get this bad you know you need to talk to someone. I made the mistake of dealing with all of this on my own hoping that if I kept trying that things would ease and that things would get better.

I dragged myself out of bed every day and tried to find things to focus on. I'd try and keep my day filled up to avoid negative thinking. And I think it helped because slowly but surely I'm feeling a lot more like myself. I still feel slightly alone and I wish I had someone by my side or even someone to just give me a hug but I've also realised my own inner strength. I still have a way to go and it's not easy, but least I feel more hopeful than the beginning of this year. I'm taking each day as it comes and I'm trying so hard not to stress about the future, because that's where my anxiety kicks in.

I guess I wrote this post to share my experience.. I could keep going on and on but I'll leave it there. I want to encourage anyone who is feeling this way please talk to your close ones, please do not go it alone like I did.. Please do not lock yourself away from the world.

Remember that you have to get through this your way, go at your own pace. You have to do things your way without people pressuring you. If something is making you feel bad it's okay to walk away from it.

Please never give up, you have more strength than you realise.

Ps I would add photos but I don't think they are appropriate for this post!

It's okay to feel what you're feeling..

We all have those times where we start to question everything.. Where things no longer make sense.. And sometimes life can become draining and it can start to become a struggle to even get out of bed.. The last few months have been that for me.

And I guess it is hard to admit that you are struggling and that you have no energy to even exist sometimes but you know what you have to just express it and let it out. We are human after all and we do have emotions.

You can start to label yourself.. and try to understand why you may be feeling the way you are feeling.. maybe I'm depressed? Maybe it's my anxiety.. Maybe it's this.. Maybe it's that.. but guess what it's okay just to be sad and to feel the way you are feeling. Life is tough and as you get older it does not get any easier.. it just gets even more complicated, you start to feel even more pressure all around you.

Now let me get into comparing yourself to other people by scrolling through your timeline on social media.. This is one way to make yourself unhappy. You start looking at what other people are doing with their life, you start comparing your life to what you see on Twitter or Instagram.. you don't understand why you can't look like that Instagram selfie they just posted a few seconds ago.. Let me tell you.. This isn't real! Instagram, Twitter, Facebook is not real... You put things on there that you want people to see and know. It's all about perception and fancy angles. Don't let social media make you question your existence.

It's time to get away from social media, maybe not completely but if scrolling down Instagram is making you hate yourself then stay away from it. Go outside and take a walk, go down the gym for that workout you have wanted for a week, maybe eat a piece of your favourite cake, go curl up on the sofa and watch Netflix.. Basically go and do something that will make you feel happy, something you enjoy.

No you can't stay away from everything that may make you feel sad at times but you can avoid making yourself feel sad. If you know you are going to feel shit after being on Instagram for hours just scrolling and analysing and comparing then just don't go on there.

I myself am trying my best to do things that help me, that I enjoy. I went through a stage just pushing myself and not relaxing at all. I felt guilty for relaxing because in that time I could be doing something productive, but guess what life is not about deadlines and stressing yourself out. Yes deadlines are apart of life but do not make it your life, it is okay to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to go be stupid at times and just let go. That's where memories come from, that's what you'll be talking about in years to come.

So I guess it's time to just take it easier on ourselves, we are doing the best we can. Do not feel guilty for doing things you enjoy. Take time to look after yourself.

I'm not a bitch, I'm human!

So...

Sometimes you pretend so much that you actually believe it yourself. I have been pretending for so long that 'I'm okay, I'm fine' when in fact I'm not. I have been struggling for months, struggling because I was hurt last year by someone and I have been pretending that I could ignore it, that I was fine, that if I push myself and put my all into work and into making myself the 'new me' that I wasn't hurt, that it didn't matter, that that person never meant anything. But it is time I admit that I was hurt, that I haven't properly let myself overcome it because I have been pretending for so long that it didn't affect me, when it actually did!

I've been trying to be a better person but in fact I have been the worst version of myself, the way I have treated people, the way I have pushed people away, the way I have tried to keep people at arms length because I couldn't deal with that kind of hurt again. That hurt when you put your all into someone, you let your walls down, they know who you are and still want to talk to you, that person you thought maybe cared about you the way you cared about them. I suppose that old saying 'time heals all wounds' is true but first you need to let it out, you need to let yourself 'grieve' or get over it as such. You need to admit to yourself that you do care, that it did matter and it did hurt but not everyone is like that, not everyone will hurt you or treat you as bad as that one person treated you.

So I have been pretending all year that I don't care about anything, that nothing matters because I didn't want to let anyone get inside my heart, I didn't want to care about anything or anyone. Now I feel it is time to let it go, to let it all go and go back to being myself, completely myself.

In fact I do care because if I didn't I wouldn't be feeling so shitty, so rubbish I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, so shitty that I can't look people in the eye let alone have a full blown conversation with them. I don't want to feel miserable anymore, the only person that is making me feel this way right now is me because I have shut everyone out that ever tried to be a friend, anyone that cared for me.

I know I need to clean up my act, I need to be true to myself, I need to say it is okay to let people in, I need to let go of the bad people that hurt me, that made me feel rubbish about myself. They do not validate me, they do not get to say I am not good enough, they do not get to put me down anymore, they don't get to say I am not pretty enough or smart enough. I will finally close the door and walk away completely by letting them leave my head.

You have to tell yourself that they are the one who had the issues to treat you the way they did, that no matter what you can achieve anything. You need to keep positive people around you not people that put you down every chance they get. Let the poison go out your life, let it go..

Sometimes you have to remember to breathe..

I'm sitting here once again crying my eyes out.. but I don't even know why!?! Do you ever feel that way? I can't seem to stop the tears, I think I must have created my own river this past two weeks from my tears alone! I guess at least I will have something named after me huh?

It's strange because it isn't like my life is terrible, things are better than ever but I just can't stop this feeling, the constant feeling of being alone, feeling like you don't belong.. like you are watching everyone else looking in from a window and they can't see or hear you...it almost feels like you can't breathe but you don't know how to let it out, you don't even know what to do with yourself.

Do I cry? Do I talk to someone? Do I force myself to do something I can't do? I have no idea. I really have no idea. Everything feels like a struggle right now but lets try and focus on positives hey? Least if we have hope we can hold onto that feeling until this feeling fades.

I'm going to write a list of everything that makes me smile or makes me laugh.. anything that makes my mouth meet my cheeks.

1. Music - No matter my mood I can always turn to music, there is ALWAYS a song that relates to how I feel at the time.

2. Surrounding myself with positive people - Whether it be when I go to the office or go on Social Media and I look on people's pages and see positive tweets or quotes, I might not always say anything but I always notice and it always helps!

3. Friends (TV SHOW) - This is my go to tv show when I feel abit crap, when I feel like everything is getting me down! It makes me laugh every single time, I must have seen every episode like 100 times or more!

4. My cat - Yes my little Sampson, he might try to kill me nearly every day but my face always lights up when I see his cute little face and when he looks at me with those big green eyes all cute and innocent, it makes me smile!

5. Clothes - Clothes cheer me up, whether I style a new outfit for myself or browse online and picture new outfits together. It will forever make me happy. I just love putting outfits together, sometimes they work and sometimes they don't!

6. Making other people smile or laugh - When I make other people smile or laugh it makes me smile, I love making people happy but I think I haven't done my best of late because I have put a guard up. I love making the people smile that I care about, I will do anything for the people I really care about!

7. Seeing people being kind to others - I love hearing stories about where people.. yes people have been kind to each other with a gesture or done something out the good of their heart for someone. It makes me melt!

8. Having weird conversations with people - When you have a convo with someone about nonense, you don't even know what you just spoke about for an hour but you bloody enjoyed it!

9. Tea - Tea makes me happy, I always remember my nan saying how a good cuppa would help anything and you know what that lil lady was right!

10. Exercise - My workouts keep me sane, if I'm feeling stressed or upset I really go for it and I love the pain. The harder I go with the workout the better I feel. It makes me feel so proud once I finish a tough workout!

I guess more things make me smile and feel good than I thought, this list could go on for a long time. I bet you have noticed I haven't mentioned real life human friends in that list, I guess right now it's coz I feel alone... like everyone forgot me along the way and well sometimes I do feel unwanted if I am being brutually honest!

Sometimes you have to express the good and the bad! Not everything is all rainbows and unicorns, life is real.. shit gets serious, we have ups and downs. We have days where we feel so happy we are dancing on clouds then we have other days where we lock ourselves away in our bedrooms because the outside world is too scary to deal with.

And once upon a time a legend of a woman named Jessie J said it was 'okay not to be okay' and you know what it is okay not to be okay and I have to admit right now that I am not okay, but I will be okay. I have to keep gripping on this ride that life has given me until it stops.

It is okay to admit you are not okay, it is perfectly okay to admit you have feelings and emotions. We are all on our own personal journey but it doesn't mean that we can't cross paths and help each other along the way. I always forget that it is a big wide world out there and alot of people probably feel exactly how I feel right now and it's okay because we can get through this, we will be okay.

I know I have said the word 'okay' too many times but you know what that is perfectly fine. So if you are reading this and you are feeling anything like I do...

take a second..

close your eyes..

and just breathe..

IN

AND

OUT

and

REPEAT..

Can you feel those worries leaving you, it sometimes helps to remember to breathe.. something I forget to do!