So, mental health has always been a taboo subject, something people stay clear from. I know growing up it was more of a taboo than ever; having a mental illness meant judgements, someone labelling you and people most likely avoiding you because they didn't want to have to deal with the fallout, the "drama" the realness of it all. And believe me it's very much real.
I'm not saying I'm an expert, I'm not a doctor with a PHD but I don't need to be. I have had my personal experiences with more than just one mental illness but I'm not going to go into all of that.. What I do want to talk about is anxiety. Not just feeling anxious or claiming "omg I'm gonna have an anxiety attack" because something terribly dramatic just happened, I am talking about an anxiety disorder, I'm talking about anxiety as a mental illness.
I am not afraid to admit I suffer from anxiety and I have done for as long as I can remember. At first I remember denying it and ignoring it, but as I began to come to terms with it and accept it I then started to learn how to manage it and what the triggers are that make it worse. Of course this does not define me, it never did but it is unfortunately a part of me and something I have to deal with and manage on a day to day basis. This is who I am, this is the real me in reality - dealing with anxiety is a big part of my day to day life and believe me when I say I can't just go out on a normal day and do the everyday things. I have all these worries, these stresses, these negative thoughts that overpower me at times.
I can't just go out and meet new people like it's no big deal because as someone who deals with anxiety to me it is a BIG deal. I have to mentally prepare for it, I have to plan every single detail from how I walk into a room to what I say to each and every person to how my body language will be to what I will wear. Like I said it is a big deal. Then I will basically live every single moment in my head and of course each and every time it turns into some horrifying scene which results in me feeling embarrassed and wanting to never go out again. I also have that fear that I might have a panic attack, that it might become that little bit too much and I might combust. And this my friends is before I've even responded yes to something, I haven't even agreed to go out and all of that happened inside my head. So yes again it's a big deal, and before I know it I've talked myself out of it all within 30 seconds. Then I'm back to square one, sitting in my room alone stressing over the little things and avoiding contact with another human being.
I can't just go out and meet new people like it's no big deal because as someone who deals with anxiety to me it is a BIG deal. I have to mentally prepare for it, I have to plan every single detail from how I walk into a room to what I say to each and every person to how my body language will be to what I will wear. Like I said it is a big deal. Then I will basically live every single moment in my head and of course each and every time it turns into some horrifying scene which results in me feeling embarrassed and wanting to never go out again. I also have that fear that I might have a panic attack, that it might become that little bit too much and I might combust. And this my friends is before I've even responded yes to something, I haven't even agreed to go out and all of that happened inside my head. So yes again it's a big deal, and before I know it I've talked myself out of it all within 30 seconds. Then I'm back to square one, sitting in my room alone stressing over the little things and avoiding contact with another human being.
So, let's talk about when I do go out, how I feel... Well I can't just walk around like everyone else, I observe, I absorb everybody around me and worry they are staring at me, watching me, I begin to freak out so then I will escape to the nearest toilet and hide there for a good while. It just feels like a living nightmare at times when I do have to go out, I just feel like I can't breathe and I just want to be back at home. I never feel at ease or comfortable in a public place and the more I stay in the house the less I want to go out at all because I have these overpowering thoughts and feelings. So at times I really can't win! My brain over analyses everything that happens in a day. If someone talks to me then I will analyse that over and over until my brain may combust. Oh and if anyway looks at me oddly I will analyse that for weeks on end wondering what it may have meant. You see, the normal things people don't think about.. I THINK ABOUT THEM!
You see it is all a big deal.. and what stresses me out more is when people are ignorant towards anxiety, when they just assume you're being dramatic and that's it's so easy to stop feeling anxious and get rid of anxiety like its a god damn cold. There is no cure to anxiety, you can't just take some ibuprofen and it will go away. Yes you can take medication to help ease it, to help it become manageable but it will never really go away and I think that is something people forget to acknowledge.
Saying "just do it" or things like "it will be fine" does not make it fine. Everyone's brain deals with things differently and to some people certain things aren't a big deal, like maybe going to the local gym full of people (which is my worst nightmare btw) I have never and will never step into a public gym. I couldn't deal with how it would make me feel, how can I workout with so many people around me? So many people that may be looking at me? Judging me? Ok I can't even think about it. I'm very much content with working out at home so I can sweat in peace. Another thing is when people just assume you can go out and meet new people like it's nothing. Yes I have mentioned this already but this is a big issue to me right now! I can't do that..... I can't just go out and meet new people.. like how does this even happen? I mean I don't mind going to things alone because well I'm used to it but when it's going out especially to "meet new people" it puts fear in me, it makes me want to throw up. I'm no good in those kind of environments, I literally just hide in the corner if I'm around a large group of people, I just can't do it! I mean I can hold a conversation once I get going, once I feel comfortable with you and I have known you for a while I start to feel a little okay around you, but I don't think I will ever feel 100% with you especially if things get a little bit deep, I will freak out.. massively and may not even speak to you again, but please don't think I am just a horrible person - I just can't deal with attachment, I can't deal with all these thoughts and fears inside my little head.. it just becomes too much for me!
Saying "just do it" or things like "it will be fine" does not make it fine. Everyone's brain deals with things differently and to some people certain things aren't a big deal, like maybe going to the local gym full of people (which is my worst nightmare btw) I have never and will never step into a public gym. I couldn't deal with how it would make me feel, how can I workout with so many people around me? So many people that may be looking at me? Judging me? Ok I can't even think about it. I'm very much content with working out at home so I can sweat in peace. Another thing is when people just assume you can go out and meet new people like it's nothing. Yes I have mentioned this already but this is a big issue to me right now! I can't do that..... I can't just go out and meet new people.. like how does this even happen? I mean I don't mind going to things alone because well I'm used to it but when it's going out especially to "meet new people" it puts fear in me, it makes me want to throw up. I'm no good in those kind of environments, I literally just hide in the corner if I'm around a large group of people, I just can't do it! I mean I can hold a conversation once I get going, once I feel comfortable with you and I have known you for a while I start to feel a little okay around you, but I don't think I will ever feel 100% with you especially if things get a little bit deep, I will freak out.. massively and may not even speak to you again, but please don't think I am just a horrible person - I just can't deal with attachment, I can't deal with all these thoughts and fears inside my little head.. it just becomes too much for me!
So, yes anxiety is very much real and it can be scary and draining. But I want you to know if you ever feel the way I do you need to speak up, you need to accept it. No you don't necessary need to go to therapy and lie down on one of those big leather couches but what you do need to do is learn how to manage it on a day to day basis, what eases the anxiety? What makes it worse? You need to figure out the triggers and the things that help take the stress away. Once you figure them out you will learn to manage it and things will become a little bit easier.
Right now I am not feeling my best, I am feeling the pressure, the anxiety inside of me is building up so much I may burst but I know I get like this every single January.. I know it will pass and I will be like SCREW YOU ANXIETY! I just need to get over this hiccup right now, I know what I need to do, I have to push myself, I have to stop isolating myself because that is when my anxiety is at its worst, that is when I am at my darkest. I need to push myself to do great things, to go to great places, I have to push myself to take myself out my comfort zone even if I want to cry. Once I start going out more I know it will ease, I know I will start to feel that little bit okay.
You see it is okay to have a hiccup, it is okay to struggle with it because unfortunately we can't be slayin' this whole anxiety thing every single day a year - we have to be kind to ourselves, we have to get through the rough times, the times we believe it may be taking over, we have to do things that help ease it even if it may seem silly to other people. Then once we start feeling that little bit better that is when we can kick anxiety in the balls!
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